Are you the walrus? Lodger required, free rent, Brighton

Zanti Misfit's picture

This isn't me but someone on another messageboard spotted this on gumtree.

Lodger required, Brighton

Room type

Available to couples

Date available

Property type

Seller type

Hello, I am looking for a lodger in my house. I have had a long and interesting life and have now chosen Brighton as a location for my retirement. Among the many things I have done in my life is to spend three years alone on St. Lawrence Island. These were perhaps the most intense and fascinating years of my life, and I was kept in companionship with a walrus whom I named Gregory. Never have I had such a fulfilling friendship with anyone, human or otherwise, and upon leaving the island I was heartbroken for months. I now find myself in a large house over looking Queens Park and am keen to get a lodger. This is a position I am prepared to offer for free (eg: no rent payable) on the fulfillment of some conditions. I have, over the last few months, been constructing a realistic walrus costume, which should fit most people of average proportions, and allow for full and easy movement in character. To take on the position as my lodger you must be prepared to wear the walrus suit for approximately two hours each day (in practice, this is not two hours every day - I merely state it here so you are able to have a clear idea of the workload). Whilst in the walrus costume you must be a walrus - there must be no speaking in a human voice, and any communication must entail making utterances in the voice of a walrus - I believe there aer recordings available on the web - to me, the voice is the most natural thing I have ever heard. Other duties will involve catching and eating the fish and crabs that I will occasionally throw to you whilst you are being the walrus. With the exception of this, you will be free to do whatever you choose, and will have a spacious double room, complete run of the house (with the exception of my bedroom and my workshop), and use of all facilities within. I am a considerate person to share a house with, and other than playing the accordion my tastes are easy to accomodate.

Due to the nature of this position I will need to audition all applicants before agreeing to take the chosen candidate on as a lodger. Please contact me if you have any questions.

13 users have voted.



That's all I'm saying.

Anyway, what good's "free run of the house" you can't get up the bleedin' stairs?

Bloody hell, that's made me laugh. Thanks for posting that.

To seal the deal

I just need a friend

He's an Easy Blubber

and you were a lady...?

...if Oasis had hypothetically covered Glass Onion after doing I Am The Walrus, I'd like to think that Guigsy would have been the walrus.

... goo joob

He held me captive in an egg costume for five years. I am not the friggin eggman!

There is only one solution.

Forget it!!

Called Paul who would love this role...

"the walrus is paul..."

but then I thought the landlord would probably do the same.

I think he might be interested in a new potential patient - either the landlord or anyone willing to dress up as a rent walrus.

t'Accorion that put me off.

Fuckin' weirdo!

do you reckon?

(edit: oops Skirky beat me to it)

"Other duties will involve catching and eating the fish and crabs that I will occasionally throw to you whilst you are being the walrus"

Catching crabs - another unpleasant aspect - there really is something fishy about this.

One of you lot posted this joke a while back - where do crabs catch a train? King's Crustacean

I used to keep a seal that would applaud my every move.

upon entering the world of motorcycle spares and finding that a "mechanical seal" isn't a fun, wind-up bathtime toy.

"No weirdos please."

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